Tips for Navigating Chanukah and Christmas for Interfaith Families
The December Opportunity
When individuals of different faiths, or even when individuals within variations of the practice of Judaism, become partners, the thing to remember is that you are partners, working together to build a life built on trust, communication, kindness and generosity. Have the conversations before issues arise, when they can be addressed calmly rather than in the frantic rush of emotions that come with an intense holiday season (that seems to start earlier each year). Be open about what your absolute needs are, what you can compromise on and what traditions you can start together that feel unique, special and “yours.”
Recognize that there may be new topics that arise or previous ones that were not considered and just be in a space to work through them together. Remember that there is no right or wrong answer, and you have to do what works best for you and your family at this time of year. That might mean a different path in different years depending on changing comfort levels and the ages of the children. Be aware that there are sensibilities and sensitivities on both sides, likely going back to childhood memories that your partner may wish to recreate. Be respectful to their families but clear that these are the decisions made by partners, not by individuals within the relationship.
And while it’s tempting to call a Christmas tree a “Chanukah Bush,” another key to success is to maintain the distinctiveness of different holidays. Can you have latkes on Christmas Eve? Sure. But it might be better to reserve them for their own dates if they don’t overlap that year. Feeling like each holiday (and its accompanying memories, family opinions, traditions) is being honored will help make the holiday season a time of opportunity to reflect, redefine and rejoice.
- Communicate with Your Partner Before Speaking with the Children.
Being on the same page with your partner is crucial. Traditions and culture can be very emotional, so communication is key. Have a conversation with your partner as early as you can (hopefully before the holidays.) Talk about the things that are important to you and traditions you wish to uphold in your household, and listen to your partner when he/she expresses those things as well. Have these conversations BEFORE you speak with your kids, so they sense their parents are on the same page. - Be Respectful of the Grandparent Generation.
Think about ways you want to honor and include the grandparents. It can be nice to have a special celebration for each holiday with each set of grandparents. - Give Each Holiday Its Due.
Make sure you give enough attention to each tradition separately. Sometimes mashing up traditions like having latkes on Christmas isn’t the best way to do it. What are the traditions that each of you grew up doing on Christmas Day? Which are important and can be incorporated? Which may need to be adjusted or open to compromise? When possible, have a Christmas celebration at a different time than the Chanukah celebration, though you should light the menorah candles every night of Chanukah, even when there’s overlap. The Federation’s 8 Chanukah Values resources can help families add a bit more about the values around Chanukah like working to make the world brighter and warmer like the lights of Chanukah do. (Download it at org/chanukahvalues) - Find a Good Time to Talk with Your Kids.
Talking with your kids about tradition is important but finding a good time to do it can be hard. Try speaking with your kids during reading time. The Jewish Federation of Greater Washington implements PJ Library in Greater Washington which delivers free children’s books about Jewish topics to Jewish and interfaith families. (See below for some books that feature interfaith and multicultural families.) - Find a Good Way to Talk with Your Kids.
You can also talk-while-doing. Kids tend to open up more if they can also be busy doing something like making a craft or throwing a ball. Crafts can be a great time to start a conversation around tradition.
May these ideas bring peace and joy into your home this holiday season. Or, as they say in Israel, “Nes Gadol Haya Po (A great miracle happened here).”
Learn more with two guides for interfaith families at this time of year:
- Chanukah Guide | 18 Doors
- The Guide: Hanukkah, Christmas and Your Interfaith Family | 18 Doors
PJ Library and PJ Our Way Stories Featuring Interfaith and Multicultural Families
Antlers with Candles by Chris Barash, pictures by Melissa Iwai
Antlers with Candles, and its predecessor, Fridays Are Special, features a multiracial family celebrating Chanukah. The little boy is excited to experience Chanukah traditions with his parents and cousins for the first time! (Recommended for ages 2-4)
Chicken Soup, Chicken Soup by Pamela Mayer, illustrated by Deborah Melmon
Sophie has one Jewish grandmother and one Chinese grandmother. Both worry when Sophie mixes up the words to describe dumplings and kreplach—does Sophie know enough about her heritage? The more Sophie learns, the more she knows that her grandmothers have more in common than they think! (Recommended for ages 5 and up)
My Basmati Bat Mitzvah by Paula J. Freedman
From PJOurWay.org: Tara Feinstein’s decision to celebrate her bat mitzvah is making her life really complicated. What would her beloved Nanaji say? Does she really believe in God? And why is her best friend Ben-o acting so weird around her? (Recommended for ages 10 and up)
Nonna’s Hanukkah Surprise by Karen Fisman, illustrated by Martha Aviles
Rachel can’t wait to share Chanukah with her father’s Italian-Catholic family. When her Chanukah supplies are lost on the airplane, her Nonna (grandmother) honors the Chanukah tradition in the sweetest way. (Recommended for ages 5‑7)
Queen of the Hanukkah Dosas by Pamela Ehrenberg, illustrated by Anjan Sarkar
This Jewish and Indian family celebrates Chanukah with dosas, which are cooked in oil. It’s just one of the ways that this family honors the multiple traditions in their family. Read the book for more. (Recommended for ages 4‑7)
The Whole Story of Half A Girl by Veera Hiranandani
From PJOurWay.org: Sixth grader, Sonia Nadhamuni, is half-Jewish and half-South Asian. When her father loses his job, she is forced to switch from a private, alternative school that she loves, to the local public school. Sonia struggles to understand herself and her Jewish identity, particularly in her relationships with Alisha (an African American aspiring writer) and Kate (a popular cheerleader). (Recommended for ages 10 and up)
When Chanukah and Christmas Collide
Well, it’s that kind of year again, when Chanukah and Christmas overlap. I don’t know about you, but I know that this causes a little stress in our family. We are an interfaith family, and we believe in giving each holiday its due. That’s SO much easier when the holidays are separate! When Chanukah and Christmas fall on the same days, it can be hard to focus on both, but we try! The nuances of this overlap also create issues for Jewish families. There are the questions about Santa and “Christmas Envy.”
For our family, celebrating the holidays distinctly, while acknowledging we have family members with different traditions, helps everyone find the joy in the season. We have Chanukah latkes one night and Christmas lasagna another night. We light the candles each night (being sure to keep them away from the tree!), and everyone who is at our home, no matter their faith, helps to light the menorahs. That way, we can share the light of the season, which is really what it’s all about.
Is your family dealing with “Christmas Envy,”? PJ author Laurel Snyder has a great blog post that will change the narrative.
Are you looking to focus on the values of the Festival of Lights with your family? Check out our 8 Chanukah Values resources.
If you want more specific ideas on navigating “Chrismukkah” as an interfaith family, check out some additional posts on the topic.
And if you want to join a community celebration, we’ve rounded up a great list for you!
Wishing you a season of light and miracles,
Sarah
Additional Resources and Perspectives
Gift Giving Tips for Interfaith Families | PJ Library
The Normalizing Effect of PJ Library | PJ Library
No, We Don’t Celebrate Both | PJ Library